The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."
- Woody Allen

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."  - Mark Twain

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?  - Steven Wright

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Eagles fly but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

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